Grief is a challenging, complex emotion, and it expresses itself differently in everybody, so the way you grieve may look very different from how others grieve. Luckily, there are people who are trained for this exact situation. They understand your pain and know the best methods to help you process it and move forward. While the grief may feel isolating and desolate at times, it's essential to remember that you are not alone. Help is often but a call away.
Understanding grief
This step is unavoidable if you want to properly process grief, and while it may be challenging, a therapist will give you insight into exactly where grief comes from and why it looks different in everyone. A trained professional like a therapist or someone who has completed courses such as mental health counseling masters programs online will not only explain what grief is but also why it's normal to feel sad when you've lost someone. Talking about your feelings and understanding them will help you to cope in this challenging time. Whether you are researching grief for yourself or a loved one or simply to help others, there are a range of resources available to you online and in person to help you understand and make sense of your feelings.
A therapists view
The therapist's take on grief sees it as something everyone goes through but in a very personal way. They get that your grief is a mix of feelings like sadness, missing someone, and a range of other emotions that can change a lot depending on the person. They believe it's important for both the person feeling sad and, importantly, the people around them to understand grief well. If your friends and family understand what you are going through on a deeper level, they can offer far more care and understanding.
Therapists understand that grief is a way of getting used to life without the person you have lost and handling all the feelings that come with that. They know that each person deals with grief in their own way, depending on what happened, who they are, and who's there to help. Therapists will help you to realize that it is ok to feel all kinds of emotions and reach out to others for support. The bottom line–consider talking to a pro in your time of need before it gets too much can help you to take care of yourself and the people around you.
The stages of grief
You may well have heard of the 5 stages of grief; they are widespread; however, given the complexity, 5 to 7 stages better characterize grief. Getting a head start on these will help a great deal in any future client-patient relationships.
- Shock
The tragic first byproduct of loss - shock - expresses itself even when we are well prepared. When we are caught off guard–it's even worse. Shock can feel like numbness; people often continue to act as if nothing has changed. In disbelief with reality, our natural defense mechanism steps in to protect us from the pain that is inevitable.
- Denial
The brain essentially interprets grief as emotional stress, giving way to the same fight-or-flight mechanisms as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Denial gives you time to get out of danger, making sure the brain is in a safe place before the anger kicks in.
- Anger
This isn’t always in-your-face and obvious. It can be a loud or quiet anger, silently held. This intense rage and frustration can be directed towards oneself, the world, the person who passed away, or just circumstance. Coping with this anger can be learned through professional and societal support so that even someone in the midst of grief can express their emotions and gradually move toward acceptance.
When we are challenged with immense grief, we begin bargaining with ourselves in an attempt to regain control; this looks like the “what if” or “if only” statements grieving people so often make.
As the anger and bargaining give way. We begin to realize and properly process what has happened. Depression is characterized by poor sleep, fatigue, lack of energy or motivation, crying, isolation, and a sense of despair; therapy helps greatly in this stage, as common Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) techniques are highly effective in changing the way we see and understand unhelpful thought, behaviors, and processes.
- Acceptance
Passing through this stage does not mean you have moved on from grief, it’s about coming to terms with reality, understanding how your life will be different now, and how that will be ok.
Grief across cultures
It is a universal commonality, and as such, every culture has developed customs, techniques, and practices around coping and moving on from grief. In our multicultural world, therapists will approach grief from both a scientific and cultural point of view, and if your culture has specific customs around grief, it is crucial for them to understand what that entails.
When a Jewish family loses a loved one, they enter into shiva, a seven-day period of grieving where the family comes together to process trauma together. In Buddhism, grief is approached with compassion and mindfulness. Buddhists allow themselves to feel the pain of loss while recognizing the impermanence of all things and the interconnectedness of life. Rituals include wearing traditional white cloth, chanting sutras, and offering flowers and fruit.
The types of grief
No two people express grief in the same way, and there is no such thing as ‘normal’ or standard grief; it depends on what happened, who you are as a person, and who's there to help.
Therapists will help you to realize that it is ok to feel all kinds of emotions and express them in a healthy manner; talk therapy will aid in building coping strategies for when feelings bubble up. The bottom line–is to consider talking to a pro in your time of need before it gets too much for you to deal with alone.
Learn how to take care of yourself and the people around you so that, in their time of need, you compassionately understand what they are going through. Grief can isolate people, but it doesn’t have to be that way. Therapy provides a safe space where you can explore your emotions, unravel the complexities of grief, and master the journey toward healing.
This process will cultivate resilience. It's about the hope that is found amidst the darkness.